Tuesday, May 17, 2011

total insanity

so i'm fairly certain that time-out has lost it's effectiveness in our house. last week, after coming to get the two-year-old out of the chair, i said in my very best supernanny voice, "do you know why you're in time out?" he looked at me and said, "no. can i pote your face?" and then proceeded to tap his chubby little finger on my cheek and say, "haha. pote.pote." "why are you poking my face?" "beee-tuz... it's funny."

i suppose my first warning sign the other night during their bath should have come when i stopped hearing talking, and heard instead only laughing. like, gut-busting- almost-crying type of laughing. thinking to myself how lucky i was to have two kids who get along so well, i kept taking advantage of the good moods and stayed in the room across the hall putting away the laundry. i suppose my first mistake was to ever leave the room in the first place. and i suppose my children never want to hear their father yell at them like that again. but O.M.G. seriously. i heard the yell and went running in, only to find that the two of them (now yanked out of the tub and in tears) had taken cupfuls of water and thrown them over the edge of the tub, leaving a good inch or two of water ALL over the bathroom floor. the three-year-old couldn't even keep a straight face for the two minutes it took for me to dry him off and dress him. "mama is very upset. i cannot believe you did this" i said, trying to be stern and serious. trying to be serious with me, he said, "ok. i know". and then burst out laughing. great. that was effective.

and tonight was the best yet. every single night, they get served their dinner at the table and begin eating while i go back in to the kitchen to make my own plate so i can sit and eat with them. this is nothing new. so why then tonight did they absolutely lose their minds? this time i knew better, though. instead of reveling in the moment when i heard nothing but gut-busting laughter, i dropped everything and ran in to see what was going on. little chopped up pieces of saucy spaghetti were EVERYWHERE. the table, the floor, the baseboards over by the window, the cushion of the chair in the corner, their hair, bellies, and faces. not knowing what to do, i sent one to the living room "go sit in time out. no, not there. on the floor. don't get sauce everywhere". the other one got sent to his room. during clean up i said to each one individually, "that was a terrible decision. throwing food everywhere makes mama's house very dirty. do you want to live in a dirty house?" the three-year-old's response: "yes. hahaha. i will put toothpaste on the floor too so you will slip in it". the two-year-old's response: "i say ooh ooh ah ah ooh".

i have a friend who just found out she's pregnant with her second baby. she told me she's completely freaked out and asked me if i have any pointers. ha. yeah right, my life is total insanity.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

no pets allowed

Some people are self-proclaimed pet people, and others are not. i am not. i'm actually way too selfish to enjoy the thought of owning a pet. walk it in the rain? no thanks. potty training accidents make me gag enough, so i can't even imagine what bodily fluids from an animal would do to my stomach. letting something that licks it's own booty turn around and then lick your face? are you serious?? and that whole sharing-a-bed-with-a-dog-thing? no way, never happening.

now don't get me wrong- i'm not an animal hater by any means. (well, except for my sister's cat. i have no love in my heart for that mean cat. and my sister will never admit it, but i'm betting that she wishes that lemon laws applied to more than just cars). i'm not completely heartless. i DO in fact, think they're cute. i grew up with pets, and i know how to take care of them. and yes, at some point (and i cannot believe i'm actually saying this, i'm sure we'll get one for the boys that they'll be excited about for about 3 days and then i'll end up taking care of for the rest of it's life). but until that day comes, we will just enjoy taking care of our friends' pets while they go on vacation. and we got our first shot at that last week.

so the first day the cat got here it went straight in to hiding. our babysitter, who thought she had officially lost the cat, resorted to walking around the house using some catfinder app on her iphone. yeah, it didn't work. when the cat finally emerged two days later, ty instantly began chasing the poor cat around calling, "here kitty kitty" followed by a few kissy sounds. the only problem is that ty is unable to make the "k" sound, and instead uses the "t" sound. so the poor "kitty" is now unsure whether or not his name has been changed to a crass nickname for a female body part. the cat couldn't figure out whether he hated the boys or loved them, switching between hiding from them and following them around the house. the boys had no confusion when it came to their emotions, however. they knew it was love at first sight. they spent the week searching for him (and irritating him i'm sure), laughing at him, laying on him, and telling their father they wanted a cat. OMG... are my kids pet people???

so this week we're trying again. my sister in law dropped off her super-cute, totally well behaved little 5-pound lap dog a couple of hours ago. (yes, i like the dog. and no, it will not be licking my face). ty has already adopted a new high-pitched voice to be used while patting her with his chubby hand. cj has already had a partial meltdown when i said that no, she cannot sleep with him in his room; and no, he cannot sleep downstairs with her. they have already argued over who is going to walk her on the leash. OMG... my kids are pet people.

i on the other hand, have already successfully managed to completely forget to tell the babysitter that the dog is here for a week. i forgot to fill her water bowl until about 5 minutes ago. i forgot to take her outside (thankfully i noticed her sniffing around so i got to avoid bodily fluids on the ground). i forgot the plastic bag when i went out there. i did, however, get elected to be the one to take her for a walk. and good news- it's raining!

i am so NOT a pet person.