Tuesday, December 27, 2011

cookie disaster

because i truly embrace the definition of "hot mess" in all aspects of my life, i often (and by often i mean always) wait until the last possible second to start major projects, make an inappropriately large mess in the process, mess it up (because let's be honest, i don't usually know what i'm doing), and then complain about what a shit show i've just been the star of. making christmas cookies is no exception to this general rule.

for some reason, i pleasantly agreed to be a part of the first annual neighborhood cookie exchange. with high hopes of creating some intensely creative concoction from Pinterest, i reasonably settled on some no-bake peanut butter balls that i've made every single year. (or maybe i've just made them one other time, i can't really remember now). so i of course waited until way past my bedtime the night before the party to try to dip about 50 thousand crumbly balls of peanut butter into a saucepan of chocolate that wasn't really melting right. so i added some milk. (i thought i remembered reading that somewhere...) and i ended up with an even bigger mess. so i started over. and of course i have zero counter space in my kitchen, so i was balancing the over-sized tray on the 4 inch lip of the sink. and just as i started the last row of actually reasonable looking treats, the entire thing tipped on to the floor. i'm pretty sure i said every single curse word i've ever heard. and then, in true hot-mess fashion, i put them right back on the tray and served them with a smile the following night. just kidding, i made new ones. (no i didn't). yes, yes i did. (ha- you'll never know now, will you??)

the green "grinch" cookies for the preschool christmas party didn't go much smoother. after the first batch came out ready to chip any 4-year-old's tooth with swirls of green mixed in with semi-burnt brown, (ugh! why do they never look like the ones that the ultra-creative mom made and then posted to her ultra-cool blog?!) i once again started over. and yes, the second batch was both all green and edible. so of course, the following morning we were rushing to get out of the house on time and i allowed (demanded?) my preschooler to carry the plate and help his mama. it should be neither shocking nor surprising that the entire plate fell and green cookies went flying. no problem though. we picked them up, ate the broken pieces, dried some tears and- you know it... served 'em with a smile. (whatever. i followed the rule precisely- all cookies were off the floor within 10 seconds. or wait, is it supposed to be a 5-second rule?)

and there's no way christmas can come and go without some cut-outs with frosting, right? i actually DO know how to make these. and frost them. it's amazing. but let's not get too excited. in a moment of panic, i ripped my cupboards apart looking for some appropriate cookie cutters (where did i put them last year???) only to realize that oh yeah, I DON'T OWN ANY!! and not only that, i'm all out of red food coloring. so yes, hot-mess mama strikes again. but i must admit, my kids' jerseys, footballs, and rocket-ships that i so creatively yet not creatively enough tried to turn in to christmas trees turned out great!! never mind that they are frosted in hot pink and decorated with orange and black sprinkles. hey, we're making memories here people, not opening a bakery.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

holiday threats

There are a few things I LOVE about this time of year. the way my decorations hide all of the finger prints and crayon marks on the walls. the way it's perfectly acceptable to overindulge on all things artery clogging. watching my bank account bleed to death. you know, normal things. but the one thing I'm loving most this year is the amount fear that one little statement can instill in a pair of young people.

It's actually phenomenal, and I'll be sad when Christmas is over. It put an instant stop to the running around and grabbing random drinks out of the cooler at the bagel shop last weekend. It gets the toys cleaned up before bed time, it gets the carrots eaten at dinner. It's the ultimate go-to threat, and not one ounce of me is afraid to use it. Telling me you'll never get dressed? That your dinner looks gross? That your brother hit you in the face? Ok. That's fine. Cuz we all know what's about to happen. I'M CALLING SANTA. and wanna knows what he brings boys who do bad listening? nothing but clothes. bwahahahaahaha.